The Drawing Board

Barkzilla: A Savvy NYC Dog Blog: Gift Guide 2011: Custom Pet Portrait

2011-11-29T05:50:00.001-05:00

Barkzilla: A Savvy NYC Dog Blog: Gift Guide 2011: Custom Pet Portrait: This weekend we received the most wonderful gift we have ever been given-- this beautiful hand-drawn portrait of Paddington by New York C...

The Dogs of Etsy

2011-09-27T06:13:00.000-04:00

Finally! Seven of my dog portraits are now available online to buy at Etsy. Here's the link:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/jordanspilman

More and more breeds shall join the pack as time goes by but I always appreciate requests or suggestions of which breeds you'd like to see available. Saw a cracking Rough Collie the other day so expect one of those up there soon!

Jordan

Daschund

2011-06-06T05:12:00.002-04:00

Daschund, a photo by jordanspilman on Flickr.

Featured Artist - Ron Erickson

2011-06-02T05:17:00.001-04:00

To see more of Ron's beautiful abstract work you can visit his website www.ronericksonart.com and his tumblr page http://ronericksonart.tumblr.com/.

Doberman Pinscher

2011-05-30T21:11:00.002-04:00

Doberman, a photo by jordanspilman on Flickr.

Featured Artist - Roland Mikhail

2011-05-26T05:16:00.000-04:00

Here are some fantastic illustrations by Roland Mikhail. To see more of his work check out his website rolandillustration.com

Great-Dane

2011-05-22T22:22:00.004-04:00

Great Dane - The ride-able dog.
Great-Dane, a photo by jordanspilman on Flickr.

Talk To Me Goose

2011-05-09T05:16:00.000-04:00

One of the four released Top Gun Trading Cards currently in New York, Goose currently resides in the Lower East Side at Fatta Cuckoo. Delicious food and spectacular cocktails in a cosy setting on Clinton Street and Rivington. Check it out!

Jordan Lovelace

2011-05-04T21:09:00.000-04:00

Jordan Lovelace is not some weird alter-ego, he's a colleague with a coincidental first name. Above is a sterling example of his doodling, for more fantastic work check out his blog here.

A different Afghan

2011-05-03T20:29:00.004-04:00

To take our minds off the other one for a bit.

Top Gun Trading Cards are launched!

2011-05-02T21:02:00.000-04:00

Top Gun Trading Cards have arrived in New York City! The first four available are Goose, Iceman, Charlie and Viper in four separate locations. To see where you can find the first four check out the website www.topguntradingcards.com

The remaining cards will be released shortly, to stay updated you can either keep checking in here at the drawing board, follow me Twitter or join the Facebook group!

Your Weekend Horoscope - May 2nd 2011

2011-05-01T21:32:00.000-04:00

Excuse me, those are my raisins

Don't freak out but this looks like it might be the best week of your life. Celebrations were high for the wedding of Kate and that guy and morale will continue to orbit Earth at a healthy altitude for the rest of the week. All short-haired dogs have some form of get-out-of-jail-free-card tomorrow so be wary when in their company.

Your lucky numbers are believed to be in the lowest, or second to lowest drawer of the dresser.

Your Weekend Horoscope - April 25th 2011

2011-04-24T14:37:00.002-04:00

It's Spanish morse-code

Capricorn be will in a flat spin this Tuesday, so take immodium if you have access to it. The secret of the golden idol lies deep in the furthest reaches of Yorkshire, to find it will take all the biscuits you have. Relationships will be pressured when you get a new phone number.

Your lucky numbers are watching My Two Dads with me at my house.

Your Weekend Horoscope - April 18th 2011

2011-04-17T22:52:00.001-04:00

Toot toot

If your name begins with a 'P' then you're going to be swimming upstream this week. However if it's your birthday this week it's going to be alright but you'll wish you born just a little later on when the weather is usually nicer but make the most of it anyway.

Your lucky numbers should be seen not heard.

Catherine Keener

2011-04-10T22:28:00.003-04:00

The Weekend Horoscope will return next week whilst the Top Gun Trading Cards project is launched this week. Until then listen to Catherine Keener and stay away from metal, woolen goods and Cocker Spaniels.

Kurt Vonnegut

2011-04-06T22:43:00.000-04:00

Your Weekend Horoscope - April 4th 2011

2011-04-04T22:57:00.000-04:00

You're something to see

How many times can you dream about fighting with an animal this week? Apparently not enough, judging by your records. Try aiming towards more acheivable goals like smaller mammals to battle against, maybe start with a Slow Loris and work up from there. Either way if there was ever a day to gamble in your life it's Thursday, or Friday.

Get a new pair of kicks, Reebok pumps were done in 1993, it's time to retire them. Your Beagle got onto Twitter again and has raised all kinds of hell. Get that thing on lock-down fast. Climb into the dustbin and see how YOU like it. Your lucky numbers are applying for a mortage.

Severe bob

2011-03-29T21:23:00.000-04:00

Your Weekend Horoscope - March 28th 2011

2011-03-27T20:14:00.001-04:00

Everything's 50% Off!

Which direction is your life going in? It's going in your direction of course, there's only one speed in your gearbox and it's 'Comet'. If there's ever an obstacle in your life, treat it like re-entering a planet's atmosphere and go at it full speed. Tear into that stratosphere with full force until your blazing across the sky like a firey etch-a-sketch.

There was turmoil at the god's company picnic, as a result you will see a slight rise in the prices of cocoa and granola. Dust is going to play heavily in your life so welcome a suggestion from an unexpected source. If a rivalry begins to develop between you and a celebrity, open your windows to let in the winds of change. Your lucky numbers are going to be six feet under unless they pay me back by Friday.

Your Weekend Horoscope - March 21st 2011

2011-03-20T14:48:00.000-04:00

Don't rage in a cage, win in a bin

Libras will be in a right old pickle this week, but at least you've got your health, and Irish Wolfhounds are going to be writing cheques their butts can't cash. According to the stock-watch, France will be a big big player and oil will be worth tuppence.

Re-frame all of your pictures. Stop calling the newspaper and telling them you've got a 'scoop'. Most importantly try actually finishing a sandwich for once. Bring a kitten to work but keep them off the internet unless they really need to check facebook. Bring all the love you have to the table and we'll put it together like a big jigsaw on Sunday afternoon. Your lucky numbers are four hours into a nap.

The Fantastic Mr. Sacks

2011-03-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

The wonderful and inspiring Oliver Sacks. He has an infectiously interesting attitude towards pretty much everything but I'm pleased to know that he too loves chocolate.

Your Weekend Horoscope - March 14th 2011

2011-03-14T05:21:00.000-04:00

Why? Because it's overflowing with Vermouth, that's why.

How did the date turn out? If they just weren't meant for you then dust yourself off and get yourself back into Burger King, true love is, if anywhere, in there. We heard about the whole waistcoat incident, at least you were fearless and that is what style is all about. As the symbol of change will be high in your sign this week, the humble Chameleon will be your soldier of fortune in the battle of life.

Regain lost ground, stake a solid claim on what's yours regardless of what the council thinks. All prices are negotiable on Friday. Remember that wisdom comes in many forms but keep a keen eye out for Howler Monkeys that are with or without a waistcoat. Set up a facebook account for Jerry Bazooka and begin to live a second life through it. Your lucky numbers are about to tweet.

2011-03-11T21:05:00.001-05:00

Obama is mad!

Your Weekend Horoscope - March 7th 2011

2011-03-06T19:53:00.000-05:00

Oh really? Wow. That's brilliant

Regard the moon and based on your gut feeling completely redirect the course of your career. Go the nobel path of a Monkey wrangler and Leo will bring you good fortunes this week. Have an apple. Try reconnecting with someone who works in a shop close to an old residence of yours, if they remember your 'usual' then the bright eyes of a Sagitarian baker will shine on your buns.

With Jupiter approaching terminal velocity it's quite possible that whatever is left in your fruit bowl is past it's best. Don't trust anything with wheels or anything that benefits from circles in general this Friday. At precisely 5:18pm (Northern Time) this Tuesday, duck. Something will be coming in hot and from the colour of Capricorn's mood ring it will likely be a school of frogs. Your lucky numbers this week will be one step away from a night in the slammer.

Your Weekend Horoscope - February 28th 2011

2011-03-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

On my mark, let fly the bombardier

With Scorpio fresh out of the bakery it could all go downhill from here. However you've scored a winner with those pastel colours and now things are looking up. Although as Europa finds itself on the dark side of Jupiter there could be shadows on the horizon. But then as the elegant Great Dane of fortune sleeps, things might be going your way.

Rolling potato blackouts will play heavily in your dreams this week meaning you will either meet your long lost twin or you will trip but not fall totally on a slightly raised piece of the pavement. Remember that when post offices are concerned it's dress to impress, plus keep with you in your bag this week a sample set of floor tiles. Your lucky numbers are too hot to even look at.

Bailey House Charity Auction 2011

2011-02-24T21:47:00.001-05:00

The Loyal tattooed cat from January made an appearance in the flesh last night at the Bailey House Annual Charity Auction event at the Lexington Armory at 26th St in New York. I was invited by Jarret Yoshida to donate a piece to the charity which has been helping homeless people with HIV since 1983.

Katie and I have been to the auction in the past few years, bid on a lamp once and that ended badly. In the name of charity we went along, and were able to chart the progress of the cat via technical wizzardry.

We watched closely as the numbers grinded upward slowly at first but from starting bid of $75 we managed to get it up to $675 when bidding closed! Result.

Katie Cooke relaxed for the camera and then waited patiently while my poorly coordinated thumbs pathetically massaged my phone in an attempt to take a photo, eventually her torment was ended by a freak striking of the correct button.

However Katie was able to quickly capture my delight of watching the bid unfold on a tiny digital screen in a celebration of narcism and childishness.

Drunk on charity we decided to celebrate by contributing to the event (not without getting something for the money ourselves of course, come on) Designer Bruno Grizzo was doing fashion portraits so we took the plunge...

...and were psyched with the outcome! It's going on the wall, and not the toilet wall, a good wall that house guests will see.

One Dollar Photograph

2011-02-22T16:07:00.000-05:00

This is what happened:

Man in wheelchair - "Can I have a dollar?"

Me - "Can I take a picture of you for it?"

Man in wheelchair - "Why not?"

[give him dollar bill and get camera out]

Man in wheelchair - "Shall I hold the dollar up for the picture?"

Me - "Why not?"

[click]

Down near the corner of Mulberry and Prince Street, technically I bartered with a homeless person.

Your Weekend Horoscope - February 21st 2011

2011-02-20T23:36:00.003-05:00

Emptied pockets, found sprockets

The recent poll found Gemini in flux over the taste of shoe polish, Cancer remains confident in shellfish and Libra thinks you cross your arms too much. We also noticed you frown a lot in your sleep. Treat relationships like homework, and vice versa. Beware of bipeds this quarter. Sandals were optional but this week that decision could play a big part in shaping your future.

Try putting butter on more things, edible or not but if it raises eyebrows then it raises the stakes. Look forward to bath time. When Neptune crosses paths with Pluto again on Friday the level of awkwardness will be palpable. Pluto will ask how everyone else is doing and if Mars is up to his old tricks, all the while Neptune will be nervously laughing and saying what a shame it is Pluto got kicked out of the club. But don't worry, he's over it. Your lucky numbers are going through your cook books looking at the pictures.

Your Weekend Horoscope - February 14th 2011

2011-02-20T23:32:00.004-05:00

Your late, it was hammertime six minutes ago, get with the program

You will find a discarded bicycle on either Tuesday or Thursday, on the other day you'll find a small amount of Orange Juice left in the carton, less than you expected at least but don't let it ruin your day. Don't get crazy, the passion ferris wheel still turns at the same speed, but financial witholding from chocolates and booze could result in partner displeasure. Sagitarians will do well to invest in faux leather.

As Captain of your vessel take this coming week in your stride, spin the ships wheel and take your elegant galleon wherever you like. Catch up with the fleeing ship of sanity and as soon as your cannons are in range, blow that swine out of the water. Your lucky numbers are, on the poop deck.

Your Weekend Horoscope - January 31st 2011

2011-01-31T05:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah well next time YOU light the barbeque

This week your thoughts are a bamboo raft of huddled worry sliding over rolling swells on an ocean of Vermouth. Basically if Gemini remains in mass transit, you'll be in for a big windfall. Like a dusty mail box of longing waiting for the gallant postman of joy. Avoid chairs.

Get a haircut, wait actually don't, that wasn't meant for you it was for someone else. If you get bored or lethargic, why not go Polish? It couldn't hurt and if there's a police station close by you can easily go back. This Wednesday all balloons will deflate 8.7%, romantic notions perhaps? Your lucky numbers are trying on balaclavas in the Army and Navy shop.

Your Weekend Horoscope - January 24th 2011

2011-01-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

Make room for him, he could puke any moment now

Did you just say something? No that's right you didn't because the beauty of Capricorn's fitted Reeboks rendered you speechless. Whilst in this pensive state try and learn the real names of all Santa's Reindeer then maybe you might not look as much of a peanut next year when the topic comes up. You know what, while were at it I think that apron is completely inappropriate for baking as well, you've covered The Queen's face in marzipan and now she looks like Christopher Lloyd at the end of Roger Rabbit.

Bring something useful to the outdoor market on Friday, like dried salty lunchmeats, a camp-site police scanner or the Ivory saxophone case that the cat sleeps in. You will find your phone charger under the bed along with some quite usable plywood. Take some bad advice from a train driver and figure out if you have any chance at getting your Recycled Toothpaste idea off the ground. Your lucky numbers are in the library looking up French and German translations for slang descriptions of genitalia.

Your Weekend Horoscope - January 17th 2011

2011-01-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

Don't try and give me the blackberry side-step, I know all your tricks

Stop listening to the crowds, your feet are a good size, just keep your toes covered up. As you learn about the world of business remember the most important rule, a flutter in the Dow means butter in the cow. Invest all of your money two hours from now based on this advice. Last year's advice of pickle-backs and stickle-backs make fickle little tickle spatz is completely useless. This week's wild card is the loyal Beagle.

As Leo is in turmoil over matters of dispondency try and wrangle some free food from a close family member as a test of loyalty and/or treason. Beware on Thursday as the sun will be forced into a slight oval for approximately seven minutes, during this time all caterers will have vegetable mutiny so stay away from the kitchen or any other food preparation areas for large events. Your lucky numbers are all in on the craps table, but they have a pretty good feeling about this one, you can stand and watch but you have to take those aiguillettes off, you look ridiculous.

Your Weekend Horoscope - January 10th 2011

2011-01-10T03:50:00.002-05:00

Round up every ventriloquist you can find, there's safety in numbers

Absolutely no more clogs for you, your ankles can't handle them and it's upsetting the government workers. Crease every piece of paper you find this week, laterally if possible. As Sagitarius rises into your sign you should make a mosaic of your feelings on the back patio of your emotional cottage. You will be tested when someone close to you asks for help with homework. Remain cool and silent, in a small matter of time, they will think you're asleep.

Good luck will come to you in the form of ill health so embrace it and be thankful you got off lightly. Swearing can colour language and pepper a mundane everyday conversation with spicy moments of illustrious surprise, so drop 'f' bombs like your losing the war on words. Most house cats have recovered there battered dignity while both wild and tame dogs remain horrendously embarrassed about the whole thing. Your lucky numbers sat next to me on the train today, they're nice but the conversation was a little pained.

And tumblr comes crashing down

2011-01-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

For anyone who missed this on tumblr. After being told "We'll be back shortly" by tumblr for the last time the decision was made to switch to Blogger. Not that anyone really cares though, nor that it's that important in the grand scheme of things. The drawing though, was a lot of fun.

"Never tell me the odds!" - Han Solo

11 Resolutions for 2011

2011-01-04T00:12:00.000-05:00

11 Resolutions for 2011

1. To use more aviation references such as "comin' in hot!", "cool your jets!" and "buzz the tower".

2. To pick up a new musical instrument this year, slowly at first and with care, then put it down gently.

3. To switch out the power converters on my Land Speeder and get that baby humming again.

4. To keep up the record of at least once a year being first through the turnstiles off a rush hour subway train, but in a way that looks easy.

5. To continue appreciating chocolate in all it's forms, in various states of undress if necessary.

6. To build the best go-cart on our street.

7. To play Ping-Pong with Imam as regularly as possible. (And whoop his ass.)

8. To get my choir-boy singing voice back from Ursula.

9. To go back through the trouble of re-convincing Katie that I can be left alone in the house and behave responsibly.

10. To ask myself - when caught in idle moments - "why the hell aren't you at the drawing table?"

11. To limit myself to lists of no more than ten things.

Your Weekend Horoscope - January 3rd 2011

2011-01-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

Slash the tires, he's not leaving until I get my jelly

Frankly speaking, the gods have decided that New Years was a wild success. Everyone had a great time and Aeries made the best waffles the next morning. Differences were forgotten and there were spectacular displays of double breasted jackets and lace-trimmed boat shoes. Take the lessons of last year, sit them in the kitchen and make them a sandwich. Give them apple juice, treat them well and explain why they have to be taken out into the fields and why you must bring your gun.

Start this year afresh. Chose your nemesis carefully and put at least 10yrs of age difference between you, in either direction. Life is dull without an arch enemy and whilst passion remains strong in your sign, nobody wants to wake up with a halo resting on a bedpost. They want to wake to see a pitchfork resting in a chair, that's hanging out of a window, of a hotel room, in Tangier. Your lucky numbers are so hung over they haven't left the bathroom yet, give them some time.

10 Things Learnt From 2010

2010-12-29T15:36:00.000-05:00

10 Things Learned From 2010

1. You can wear sunglasses in winter if you really want to.

2. When you pull down old sheet-rock from a ceiling, keep your mouth shut.

3. Sometimes hard work won’t pay much, but it will pay off.

4. You only get one mum and she’s fantastic so give her a ring (phone-call not proposal you nut).

5. Somedays you feel like Han, and others you feel like Chewy.

6. If you’re not sure then wing it as if you’re sure, no one knows the difference.

7. Little Jude will grow up thinking Aunty Katie and Uncle Jordan live inside a laptop.

8. Don’t tell anyone what you’re thinking about doing until you’ve done it, otherwise it’s embarrassing if you don’t.

9. I have a million things to be thankful for these days, but nothing more than Katie, she’s bloody brilliant and I can’t get enough of her.

10. 2011 is going to be awesome from the get-go.

Your Weekend Horoscope - December 27th 2010

2010-12-29T15:30:00.000-05:00

Relax ok, I didn’t know about the dresscode either

Would your life be any better if you had bought the 4-wheeled suitcase instead of the 2-wheeler? You’ll never know so stop worrying about it. All you need to be very concerned about is the rising sign of Virgo-cheese making it’s way into the Aquarian-bap or so called ‘hoagie’. Astrollogers around the world are aware that the coming new year hinges on Orion’s lactose intollerance. To be safe, buy stocks in wheat and soil.

As the closing year sees a sad goodbye to right angle triangles and most varieties of salt, Jupiter will be ushering in some welcome treats such as self-polishing cat shoes and the long awaited gentleman’s pocket hammock. All party invitations should be initially turned down as a test of whether they really want you to come or not. If you need to bring wine then don’t take Bolivian white or red, it’s riddled with tadpoles. Your lucky numbers leading into the new year will no doubt bottom out around 11pm like last year and wait for you in the car, where they have quite likely been a little sick. Happy New Year.

Happy Holidays 2010

2010-12-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays! We hope you have a brilliant time and a fantastic start to 2011! Imagine 2010 as the Death Star seconds from blowing up and you're the Millenium Falcon about to burst out with a trail of fire, wildly hurtling into the unknown adventures of 2011.

Lots of love

Jordan and Katie

Your Weekend Horoscope - December 20th 2010

2010-12-29T15:22:00.000-05:00

Let the possums fight again, this time without helmets

Remain vigilant this week as the Zodiac spins with the vigor of a poorly built firework, your anger could be the dancing flame to a bank manager’s fuse. Understand the difference between ‘ok’ and ‘not ok’, your lawyer is tired of waiting for you to catch up. On the other hand you couldn’t have been more right about knee-high suede boots, you’ve been killing it recently on the streets, fantastic.

As all breeds of toy and hound dogs are in the lavender cycle of Mercury’s gaze, financial endeavours will be crispy. Allow yourself to be whisked along the silky river of happiness when romance throws you into the warm duvet of ruffled passion. Keep your chin up, life’s baffling bombardment is tough, but worth it in the end. When the work is done and the sweet scent of chocolate is released as the wrapper is marginally torn, you’ll know what all the effort was for. Your lucky numbers are a little dusty, clean those suckers up, pronto.

Your Weekend Horoscope - December 13th 2010

2010-12-29T15:19:00.000-05:00

Have a heart, he’s only a milk maid

Whilst a northeastern gale brings Christmas music the planets are still shopping. You need to be concerned with astral projections that might bring Scorpio into a winning position at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Bounce back and then redeem your status as chancellor of denim.

Wow them at the budget meeting on Friday, I believe in you and we’ve got every confidence in your skills. Leather was a risky choice but your cheekbones really pull it off, congratulations. Buy tofu like it was going out of style and don’t explain why. Take a handful of salt and two boots-worth of cat litter and keep it the hell away from open flames. Your lucky numbers jumped parole and went off the radar, go get them back, now.

Your Weekend Horoscope - December 6th 2010

2010-12-29T15:16:00.000-05:00

Where’s the whisk sheath? I know you had it last

Resolutions are hard to come by this week, times are unforgiving and the general public will not quickly forget what you did in H&M. The planets are too far away to see for this quarter and so religions will be on a 6% spin cycle for the remaining days. A ginger cat will enter your life by means of motorised scooter delivering kind words. If he needs money you should probably give it to him. No pennies.

Don’t be alarmed, try new eyebrow styles and move away from your usual Monday night kebab-a-thon. Watch a Greek film through a moving fan and remind yourself of old times. From what I read online you totally nailed it with those short denim jackets, great stuff, you look fantastic. Your lucky numbers are off the hook.

Your Weekend Horoscope - November 29th 2010

2010-12-29T15:05:00.000-05:00

With flashes of hot pink

Your life is rattling along right before your eyes, like a weathered old steam engine swaying around tight turns through a mountainous canyon. There are steep inclines over treacherous crumbling cliff tops such as when you open a Milky Way to see it had melted once and then re-formed with that white sugar haze all over it which is something of a disappointment. But then there are relaxing gentle effortless declines through lush beautiful hillsides such as when you get wrapped up in a thick duvet on a winter’s evening and then despair because you still have to get out and brush your teeth, but then, you remember you already have brushed them and so you are on the next flight to Dreamsville, magic.

This week cockerels will be the wild cards so don’t answer the phone after 6pm. Don’t worry about loud noises, they eventually stop. Nobody said anything to me about lucky numbers so I didn’t bring any, I have a bottle of wine and half a tube of Pringles. Fat free.

Your Weekend Horoscope - November 22nd 2010

2010-12-29T15:00:00.000-05:00

Continue buffing this for me, my legs are tired

Blazing across the face of Neptune will be the words ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ which will provide much titillation for some but little consolation for many. Whilst encouraging, the words will have no effect on Jupiter’s banana-cycle orbit which will be ruining the coming Wednesday for all Leos.

Arrange some flowers or furniture into movie-themed displays tomorrow, take photographs and stick the images to the glass of pet shop windows so the puppies within have something more interesting to view. Then remain present at the window and allow yourself to realise that no troubles in your life are so big that watching a couple of Spaniels tearing it up in some shredded paper won’t make those woes melt away. Acknowledge the kittens, if only out of good manners. Your lucky numbers will be backwards this week so bring a mirror to the deli.

Your Weekend Horoscope - November 15th 2010

2010-12-29T14:58:00.000-05:00

Save the trifle, it’ll keep

Regardless of the other planets, the sheer size of Earth with all it’s marvels should be enough to put things into perspective. Nothing was ever done without a little hard work and generous quantites of chocolate but do not discriminate between international brands. There’s nothing worth learning from a Giraffe that you couldn’t learn from an Alpaca or Llama so save your money.

Interesting opportunities at work will present you with big decisions concerning the dilemas which are evident in your path through life’s mysteries surrounding relationships with those closest to you both in the workplace and at home despite the intrusion of a thrid party who may be a figure from your past although you should approach this with caution as financial matter may be intertwined with those of a pet or lucky charm. My lucky numbers are red hot, get your own.

Your Weekend Horoscope - November 8th 2010

2010-12-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

Pencils down

Get a tattoo of something Star Wars related. Bear in mind that the sun occasionally orbits Mercury and during this rotation they exchange secrets so change all of your passwords to the names of favourite dancers or bobsleigh runners. All birds have been grounded this coming week until further notice.

Get in touch with an old school friend, arrange to meet for lunch and don’t show up, this will add intrigue to your personal facebook aura and have a positive effect on google activity. Beware of any Gemini tomfoolery and accept no advice from them on taxes and diet. I’m loving these small jackets you’ve been rocking, keep working those. Brandish larger words than normal and throw in ‘barbituate’ and ‘swine-patter’ wherever appropriate. Lucky numbers remain illegal.

Your Weekend Horoscope - November 1st 2010

2010-12-29T14:51:00.000-05:00

Finish your sandwhich, you’re a loud chewer.

As the Universe steadily continues to expand without a care you should turn your attention to the making and storing of cheese. Stay with sharper flavours and those closest to a pale cadium yellow hue. Some animals enjoy being in zoos because they can get away with more without repercussions. The rest of them are bored stiff so do something about that. Sagitarius is in labour which will cause a slight pressure drop in the northeast.

Have a go at science, it’s a lot of fun, even if it’s just magnets. Start thinking about your easter plans, with the schools closed there will be children everywhere so remember to remain armed at all times, children are criminals. All dog breeds are in play this weekend, especially Crouchfesters and Lowland Bowlers, it’ll be brilliant. Your lucky numbers this week are missing but your skin is positively glowing, you look great.

Welcome to the world Jude Colley!

2010-12-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

Congratulations Ellie and Tim and welcome to the world little Jude! Everyone’s over the moon that you’re finally here. The world is a wonderful place, you’re a part of it all now and as your uncle I shall give you some advice:

Give a wide berth to a dog that is freshly emerging from a canal or similar body of water. Wet dogs don’t smell very nice normally but out of a small water-way they positively stink.
Some of life’s offerings are complicated affairs, mixed blessings, muddy waters, cryptic deliverings. Chocolate is not one of these things, it is one of life’s simplest and most beautiful elements. It will never let you down, it is the solution to more problems than most people realise.
Sports socks are worth the investment, change them daily but take time to enjoy a mid-way elasticated band around your instep. It’s affordable luxury.
A lot of people think Elton John wrote the lyrics to the songs in The Lion King, it was actually Tim Rice who did most of the leg work. That fact earned me a medium sized box of maltesers in 1996, remember it and it could do the same for you one day.
If something inside your nose feels uncomfortable and unwelcome, dig it out. It’s why we have finger nails, get it out and flick it in the bin. It’s particularly worth sourcing a waste basket already lined with a plastic bag, that way you can be sure of hitting your target by the satisfying sound.
Many ‘high-end’ latex paint brands are grossly over-rated. If the colours are quite muted you can get away with a cheaper grade of paint and achieve the same results in your own home, don’t let them convince you otherwise.
Ghostbusters.
When leaving a private driveway and turning onto a main road you should come to a complete stop, check for hazzards then proceed with caution.

Welcome again to this fantastic place called Earth, flowers bloom, whales sing, volcanos roar, waves crash and humans worry about which toothpaste will whiten their teeth the most. Good luck!

Your Weekend Horoscope - October 25th 2010

2010-12-29T14:41:00.000-05:00

Your fly is down

At midnight this Friday all of your financial aspirations will be in flux until Monday at about 2pm when they’ll level out. Pluto will bitterly be watching the rest of the planets carry on until it eventually travels to a new Solar System. This loss won’t affect you in the slightest. You’ll find a friend in every shoe shop this weekend so put clean socks on. The ocean has been asking where you went so at least call if you can’t stop by, absolutely no e-mails or texts because it holds them as valueless.

Just like the week before and the weeks to come, the trains will be full of the weirdest people you’ve ever seen, ignore them because they’re not as real as the more normal looking people. Give every animal the chance it deserves unless it’s a second or third chance, those are strikes. No but seriously I LOVE your hair right now. Your lucky numbers are in Greek sadly.

Your Weekend Horoscope - October 18th 2010

2010-12-29T14:35:00.000-05:00

Put it down to your moustache, or lack of

Test the wits of an old person this weekend. They deserve respect but they get complacent and the gods will no doubt want them keen. As Saturn begins to connect with Jupiter and form one massive planet you must focus on smaller matters. Relationships with everyone around you will suffer on Sunday if you don’t make a 5-year plan and stick it this time. They tire of indecision and will be less forgiving in the future. Stay the hell away from all caged birds until the moon passes it’s 7th quarter.

Beards can finally be trusted this coming week so make the most of them. You’re still on track and generally winning at Life. Fresh air is a good choice but mix it up every now and then, spend some time in a tunnel. Use someone elses’ lucky numbers.

Your Weekend Horoscope - October 11th 2010

2010-12-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

Shoes off please

Don’t convince yourself that your haircut was a mistake, it wasn’t, it’s a slow-burner. With Mercury and it’s soundtrack momentarily polarized, the Universe is geared towards you having the best possible time. Fortunes ride high although along the edge of destiny’s cliffs tops, so tread carefully.

This week’s dog breed will be French Bulldog, of course. You look like the business, in wool, but don’t overdo it. Curb your shoplifting and boost your whistling, your range of pitch will increase with practice. Your lucky numbers over the weekend will be “banging”.

Your Weekend Horoscope - October 4th 2010

2010-12-29T14:24:00.000-05:00

Listen closely and stay calm

This coming weekend will yield many wonderful things for you, a chance encounter with a long forgotten pet and a blessed reminder of a loyal pair of trousers that served you so well. Life’s torrid pace has blurred your vision, this weekend is a time to reflect. Peaks climbed, videos watched and returned, camera batteries that ran out, but you charged them back up.

Jupiter’s slingshot trajectory turns Mars into a threat. Therefore things to watch out for: people who approach with wide-set feet and doors that are hinged on the left (or west) side of the jamb. Sunday will be about two minutes longer than Saturday due to a brief time delay but no one will really notice. Eat plenty of Edam and moderate amounts of salt. Avoid liquids. Your lucky numbers this weekend are not so lucky sadly. However, I think you’re great and you’re doing all of us proud right now, keep it up.